GIVE

Definition

GIVE is a core DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skill designed to help you maintain and strengthen relationships while communicating your needs. It emphasizes respect, validation, and a gentle approach.

Purpose

Used to:

Improve closeness and trust in relationships.
Communicate effectively without damaging connection.
Balance assertiveness with kindness.
Maintain relationships during conflicts or disagreements.

When to Use

Use this skill when:

You want to ask for something but also protect the relationship.
You are setting a boundary with someone important to you.
You need to resolve conflict without escalating tension.
You’re concerned about hurting someone’s feelings.

When Not to Use

Avoid using if:

You need to be extremely firm or direct (DEAR MAN may be better).
The other person is abusive or threatening.
You are in an emergency situation requiring clear boundaries.

How-To

GIVE is an acronym:

G – Gentle

Be courteous and temperate.
No attacks, threats, or judging.
Example: “I understand this is hard to hear.”

I – Interested

Listen and appear interested.
Maintain eye contact.
Don’t interrupt or look distracted.

V – Validate

Acknowledge the other person’s feelings, thoughts, or difficulties.
Example: “I see that you’re frustrated.”

E – Easy Manner

Use humor if appropriate.
Smile, relax your body.
Keep the tone light to lower defensiveness.

Tips & Variations

Practice in low-stakes situations first.
Use a calm, steady voice.
If emotions escalate, pause and return when calmer.
Combine GIVE with DEAR MAN if you are both requesting and maintaining the relationship.
Remember: Validation does not mean agreeing.

Example

Scenario: Telling a friend you can’t attend their event.

Gentle: “I really appreciate the invite.”

Interested: “Can you tell me more about how it’s going to work?”

Validate: “I know you were counting on me being there.”

Easy Manner: Smile gently. “I wish I could, but I have other plans. Maybe we can catch up afterward.”

Inventor / Origin

Developed by Marsha Linehan, PhD, as part of DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills training.

Related Skills

DEAR MAN (assertive requests)
FAST (self-respect effectiveness)
Validation skills
Active Listening

Limitations

May not be effective if:

The other person is unwilling to reciprocate respect.
You are too upset to stay gentle or validating.
You are in a toxic relationship where boundaries are repeatedly ignored.

Evidence Base

Research shows:

Validating and gentle communication reduces conflict.
Skills like GIVE can increase satisfaction and trust.
Using GIVE regularly helps maintain positive relationships over time.

References

Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual, Second Edition. Guilford Press.
Rosenberg, M.B. (2003). Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. PuddleDancer Press.
Fruzzetti, A.E. (2006). The High Conflict Couple: A DBT Guide to Finding Peace, Intimacy & Validation. New Harbinger Publications.

GIVE – Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Tool